So the yellow bird is a super missile when you tap and the black one drops a bomb… we can do this, man.

“…you selected ‘The Change-Up.’ Press 1 if this is correct.”

I will bite my thumb at them; which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.

Pay ConEd bill… check. Buy milk… check. Send Obama birthday card… check. Add a few zeroes to our credit limit… Oh wait, I’m not the government.

I can’t believe my wife shrank ONLY the arms of this jacket.

If I look extra sad, maybe somebody will post me on that stupid Tumblr blog with the bad captions…

Wow, stocks really plunged today. Speaking of plunging, don’t go into the bathroom for a while.

Trader, please.

HOLY SHIT CONFETTI

It’s ok, man. We’ll find your kitty.